Skip to Content
Streetsblog Los Angeles home
Streetsblog Los Angeles home
Log In
Streetsblog USA

What if SUV Names Were Really True?

Photo: Paul Sullivan/Flickr/CC

Sponsored post: Spin and Better Block Foundation are calling on designers, urbanists and anyone who cares about safe and livable streets, to submit ideas for a new generation of multimodal parklets. Winning designs will get built and installed in Denver in September. Let’s take back our streets from cars, one space at a time. Apply now: https://www.spin.pm/streets

Ah, the SUV with the nature-y name. The "Tahoe" or the "Forrester" or the "Acadia." Designed, in theory, to ford some pristine river.

The reality is not as glamorous. These $45,000 boats are sitting in a parking lots in front of big box stores in suburban Cleveland. Or stuck on the highway in Maryland carrying a single passenger, spewing toxins into the air.

It's discouraging to see the auto market again headed so strongly toward SUVs — which sends pedestrian deaths soaring.

But the suggestion that an SUV is somehow "outdoorsy" is a big part of the appeal. So just for kicks, we asked our readers to come up with more — ahem — appropriate names for some of the best-selling full-size SUVs of 2019. Here's what Streetsbloggers came up with:

Land Rover Range Rover

land rover
false

Land Rovers. For when you want a safari vehicle, but mainly just for commuting 35 miles on the interstate by yourself. This is one of the SUVs that, for whatever reason, seems to communicate a certain something about the driver. This version for 2020 starts at $42,000.

Best name: Mall Rover

Runner-up: Chelsea Tractor

Infinity QX80

infinity SUV
false

Look at this colossus. It's so square. So macho! It gets just 14 miles per gallon in the city.

Best name: Infinity Gas

Runner-up: Hit-and-Runner

sequoia
false

Toyota Sequoia

It's sad that a company coopted the name of a beautiful tree to sell this gas guzzler, which gets just 13 miles to the gallon in the city.

Best name: Toyota Rollover

Runner-up: Toyota Screentime

Nissan Armada

Nissan USA
Nissan USA
false

This boat gets just 14 miles to the gallon in the city and 19 on the highway. Good grief.

Best name: Nissan Asthmada

Runner-up: Nissan Compensator

Toyota's FJ Cruiser

71oQ4tjZ1YL._UY560_
false

It's like the lego version of a Hummer. This one has actually been -- thankfully -- discontinued. Sorry about that, cars aren't really our thing around here.  Still ...

Winner: FU Guzzler

Runner Up: Pedestrian Bruiser

Thanks to everyone who submitted names! You can check out the whole thread here.

Humor can make a difference. If more people realized that their vehicle choices were the butt of everyone else's jokes — and car manufacturers put on the defensive — perhaps we wouldn't be in the situation we are in right now. After all, one of you who suggested calling a mega-SUV the Chevy Glacier Melter — which is funny ... because it's true!

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter

More from Streetsblog Los Angeles

L.A. City New Bikeway Mileage Fell to Five Year Low in Fiscal Year 23-24

Streetsblog's annual round-up of the good, the bad, and all the meh in between - for the city's underwhelming 22.5 lane-miles of new and improved bike facilities

October 2, 2024

Duarte Renews E-Bus Contract with Foothill Transit

City staff is satisfied with the service, which provides 25,000 rides a year

October 2, 2024

New Bike and Bus Lanes on Townsend Avenue and Avenue 51

A mile of new bus and bike lanes represents a worthwhile modest step toward safer, more multimodal streets. The hillside project includes uphill bike lanes and downhill sharrows.

October 1, 2024
See all posts