Of Course It Was an April Fool’s Joke: Breaking: Metro To Announce New “Westside Heavy Rail” Corridor in Bev. Hills

Metro used this picture to illustrate what construction could look like at Beverly Hills High. "We don't have to put one shovel in the ground or even think about going under the high school."

(Note: The following article was this year’s April Fool’s article.  We’ve done this every year (save 2009 when the regular stories were about people killed in car crashes…it just didn’t seem right.  For past stabs at comedy see 2008’s article on a new P.S.A. campaign from LADOT as part of the “B Safe of B Roadkill” campaign, 2010’s article on the speech given by then LADOT General Manager Rita Robinson in New York or 2011’s announcement that Robinson’s successor would be none other than Ed Begley Jr.)

A recent article published at Beverly Hills Weekly posed a question to Metro asking whether or not all of the activism against a Westside Subway route that tunnels under a small part of Beverly Hills High School Campus will matter?  Is Metro considering changing the project route?

Streetsblog has learned that the answer, to be announced officially on The Source tomorrow, is an unequivocal yes.  To avoid having to tunnel under the high school, Metro is now planning a completely at-grade route for the subway except for the portion that slopes up to 500 feet above ground before cutting through the high school campus.

“It looks like we won’t have to touch the buildings or put one shovel in the ground,” explains Metro spokesman David Meiger.  “True, we have to completely demolish the track field and parking structure, but the above-grade giant cement wall dissecting the campus will insure that the train and students don’t mix.”

Some other changes to the design and route were added just to make Beverly Hills Residents happier with the project.  “Adding eight stops in Beverly Hills, that was my idea,” Meiger beams.  “To make certain the train has maximum visibility, we will be putting the stations along Robertson and Santa Monica Boulevards.”  Renderings of the new route were completed by Broad Architects and are available after the jump.

Metro is also moving the Westside Heavy Rail rail yard to a residential part of Beverly Hills, “bringing solid middle income jobs to the community.”  A last touch is that Metro vows to run the heavy rail “24 hours a day” between the Beverly Hills’ stops so that all residents can use the rail whenever they need.

Black circles are the new station areas. The pentagram is the new rail yard. The black lines are the outline of Beverly Hills High School.

Oddly, not all residents were happy with the news.  Mayor Pro Tem John Mirisch seemed most distressed by the new proposal, despite his long-stated opposition to tunneling under the high school.

“For goodness sake, they put the new ‘rail yard’ right where my house used to be,” Mirisch exclaimed when showed the maps.  “Can they even run a train 24-hours a day?  Wouldn’t they have to do a sound-based environmental review?”

Metro has an answer to both Mirisch’s complaints.  According to spokesperson April Feuel noted that “To make it up to him, we’ve added a station right across the street from his parent’s house.”  Other stations are planned for each side of the Beverly Hills City Hall and a giant station surrounding the Beverly Hills Courier offices.

She also noted that a study of the “additional supplements to the regional noise” Metro will begin running fully-loaded freight trucks through the streets, both through streets and residences, of Beverly Hills starting tonight at midnight.

“We know there are some subway fans that are going to be disappointed that we abandoned the underground portion for this area,” Meiger adds.  “If someone wants to support the old alignment, they should contact us at 1-800-go-metro.  Please call between 9 A.M. and 5 P.M.”


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