The Onion Savages L.A.’s Unsafe Streets

Don't believe everything you read - but trust The Onion for biting satire
Don't believe everything you read - but trust The Onion for biting satire

L.A.’s cyclists have waited a long time for a popular national website to give prominent sympathetic coverage for the daily struggles faced on L.A.’s deadly streets. And then, well, today, The Onion, which tells the unvarnished truth about transit, ran this story on Los Angeles’ latest plan to make streets… well… different.

The Onion mostly kinda figuratively gets the story right:

“L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the City Council voted today in a landslide 11-0 decision to finally create a bright green pathway where you can get doored and safely roll around, clutching your knee and writhing in unbearable agony,” said mayor Eric Garcetti of the Department of Transportation initiative that will provide cyclists with four feet of space on all major Downtown streets to look in horror at compound fractures, check for concussions, or simply lie motionless on the cold ground and bleed out.

The Onion somehow neglected a few aspects of yesterday’s surprise announcement. A shadowy non-profit calling itself “Keep L.A. Driving” teamed up with well-known aging homeowner cabal “Nix the City” have already filed what appear to be about a half-dozen lawsuits against the new downtown street plan. And the plan was probably dead on arrival, as the Institute of Zombie Traffic Engineers had already questioned whether any space for cyclists was permitting under the MUCEATCD (Manual Upholding Cars Everywhere All the Time Cars Drive.)

Get the full story, including a sad funny photo-simulation, at The Onion.